What is a true human connection? That’s a tough thing to define. Like art and love, you might not be able to find words, but you know it when you see it or feel it. A connection is a sense of closeness both parties to the relationship have. Sometimes, it feels spontaneous, like meeting a person on a train and finding yourself married to them 12 years later. Other times, it’s a connection that started one way, as a passing friendship, but developed further as the years went on. Sometimes, a true, intimate connection grew from what seemed like a desert. It pops up with someone that had been around for years whom you had had no real intimate feelings before. Other times it can be instant and feel like you have known them for lifetimes.
I recently met someone in the most unusual of circumstances. I was there to step into something I had never done before and was curious about. I was not looking for connection of any kind. Surprised by the experience in both good and not so good ways, I found this human to be intriguing. They asked a lot of questions. I asked them questions and they answered. There was an energetic space between us as well. Physical, mental and energetic connections happening. Easy conversation with depth, exploration, and listening. Like our yoga practice proves to us daily, we can not have an experience without all three of these things existing and taking up residency in our cellular make up. Our experience becomes our biology.
Needless to say this interaction has led to both of us wanting to know more, learn more, connect more. When connection happens right off the bat, one tends to linger and wonder and think about it. There is a pull to come in deeper, to explore, to see where it goes. It can almost be addictive and perhaps we arrive in a space of our lives where we will not accept anything less…letting go of the superficial. If we are willing to open up, who knows what may unfold and what we may learn about ourselves, others, and the world.
The dictionary defines connection as “the act or state of being connected.” Well, that doesn’t help! To connect is defined as “to join, link, or fasten together.” If I had to define connection, I would say it’s a sense of intimacy and closeness between two people that enrich lives and provides a support structure for both parties.
Think about your first love (or even your tenth) where the sense of connection was strong and then it began to fade. Maintaining it was work. You needed to focus on it, feed it and water it, just like a plant. That love might not still be around because this connection was lost. Human connections give us strength. The person or persons who we are connected to support us, watch over us, love us, and make us stronger.
The idea of strength in numbers is built on connections. The connection might be a commitment to an ideal, such a revolution or a humanitarian initiative. It might be built around a sense of love, like a family or a couple. It’s often built on a web of friendship and affection that allows a group of people to come together and work for their mutual benefit. Think about how it would have been for early man. They gathered in a cave or a hut and needed to truly trust the people/tribe they were with. If they dozed off, they needed to know the other people, the ones who were awake, wouldn’t let them get attacked by animals or killed by human enemies.
A sense of belonging is important to humans. We all have a need to feel like “a part of something.” This sense of belonging comes from the various connections we develop within a group. If we’re simply there, without a function or a purpose, we might feel we don’t really belong. From the youngest person in a group to the oldest, there is a need to have a function that creates a sense of belonging. Like a cave dweller, connections bring us inner peace. When we feel we have the love, safety, and belonging we need, there’s a sense of inner peace. We feel we can stop seeking and start simply living.
There are other connections that can give our lives meaning and bring us peace. A connection to a higher power, either through organized religions or our own path, can be one of the strongest connections we make. Many people have a connection to arts, like movies, books, and more that gives them many of the same feelings one gets from human connections.
Here are some guiding principles which govern our ability to make connections:
Trust yourself —
You have to believe you can make a connection. You need to believe you’re worthy of a human connection. Many people don’t. Everyone is worthy of a human connection. In fact, the less “likable” you are, the more baggage you have, the more you need human connections. Trust you’re worthy and you can handle it. It might be awkward, but a connection can be and is an answer to a lot of life’s worries and frets.
Read the person —
Take the time to observe the signals a person is putting out. If they seem receptive, they feel a connection as well. If they aren’t seeming receptive, it might simply be they have not felt an opening yet. Most of human communication is nonverbal. Look for cues that tell you how you can move forward and increase the connection.
Understand —
We all have baggage from our past experiences and converging histories. We’re cautious about making friends and we don’t listen to what someone else says perhaps nearly as much as we used to. In fact, often we’re thinking about our own stuff and trying to think about what’s going to happen next or what we are going to /need to say. We’ve been burned and we don’t want to get close to anyone who might hurt our feelings again. In order to really reclaim full and authentic relationships, we need to relearn the skill of making our mind focus completely on the other person, letting go of our own agenda.
Ask for more information —
Ask for more information, more contact, more about the other person. There are few things people like to talk about more than themselves, even if they pretend they don’t and these are the things this person finds important—things that ignite their soul. Find those things! Be involved and ask lots of questions—questions that are clarifying for you and them, questions that take you both deeper into the subject, questions on experiences and the emotions attached to those experiences. Let the other person open up to you and say what they need to say. Hold space for them. Be the witness to what they are saying. Don’t come into the conversation or experience with your agenda. Learn to let go of having to pull a relatable experience from your own past. Just listen to the experience being shared and leave as that—something be shared. Only offer our personal and perhaps relatable experiences when asked. Let go of this need as it turns the conversation to you and takes it away from the person sharing. Trust the process. Trust the experience will be what you both need. Trust yourself in it.
Express your understanding —
Letting someone know you understand what they’re saying and why it’s important to them and you is vital. There is the canned response, “It sounds like you’re saying, XYZ. Is that right?” It this approach makes you feel too much like a counselor, you can say something like, “I think it’s cool that you said, XYZ. I never thought of it that way.”
Human connections are fragile. One of the things that has happened more recently in the world is that we have replaced personal contact with social media and emails. These might be ways to “touch base”, but they rarely, if at all, create actual connections. Personal contact is best, but even a phone call or FaceTime is better than an emoji on Facebook or Instagram.
Making connections isn’t only about new people we meet. In fact, more importantly, are the relationships we already have. We need the strong connections we can forge with those with whom we already have relationships with. Often, our lives are built around these relationships—think spouses, children, coworkers, bosses, close friends and parents.
Connection is important. The last few years has taught us that with the crazy atmosphere of the pandemic. Our yoga mat provides an endless space to discover connection with ourself. A deep dive to our own soul where are called to live from. When we live from this space we are able to connect more deeply with others and experience things we most likely never thought possible.
Take a risk. Try something new. Be open to the connections in front of you in the present moment.
Ask to be open and see what happens.
Onward & upward as usual…..
Trish
