Inner Fires

Recently, I had an experience with a friend where I had to make a choice. Stay put and ignore or step in and sit with whatever will happen. I chose to step into the chaos of the moment and experience whatever I was dealt, while having the deep inner knowing I was more of a witness to their internal dumpster fire than my own. Don't get me wrong, my inner fire was BURNING....if I am honest RAGING and I wanted so badly to pour some gas on their fire so my fire was satisfied. When is it appropriate to stick up for yourself & when is it time to quietly wait out the storm? Especially since it is the Christmas season after all.....

In the moments I was beside my friend, I asked several questions of myself before  I reacted. Would it serve them? Would it help them? Would it help or serve me? Our friendship?  The answer was a strong and firm NO.  They used all the weapons they had to strike out against me and life at that moment. They chose to push me away and not deal with their inner fire.They chose not to pause and stay in order to dig deep enough to understand the situation or the root cause of their anger. They chose not to listen or allow any questions to be asked of them. My non-reactivity may or may not have served the situation. Only time will tell how this turns out. I will continue to love them from afar and love myself for the choices I made when with them.

Years ago, I remember the shock of experiencing the seething kind of backlash that years of unexpressed boundaries, undealt with anger/frustration, and stuck words can bring about, only to realize my anger and all the surrounding emotions entangled in it was just that: MINE. No matter how awful the situation, how many friends agree, how righteous you believe you are, how indignant or cynical you become, no matter how grand and tragic the loss, whatever emotions you feel are always your responsibility. You always have a choice about how you respond to life and the people involved. 

The basic teaching of a spiritual practice is to find yourself in the midst of your greatest challenge and stay. In moments where you find emotions arising, try closing your eyes, reconnecting with your breathe & staying with the experience of you. See how it goes. What does this do? It at least breaks the cycle of adding fuel to the fire in the midst of a full-blown blaze. It at least gives you a little pause in an otherwise very sticky situation. It at least gives you an extra moment to find the strength to choose an enlightened action over the pattern of aggressively acting out, escaping into pleasure, or numbing-out in denial. 

There is magic in staying with "the places that scare you". For in those truly empowering moments you bear witness to the law of impermanence. Whatever aries in your experience, no matter how solid and sticky, will change. All emotions flow if we don't hold onto them. Sooner or later, the seemingly solid righteousness of anger yields and gives way to the soft, forgiveness of peace and understanding. The greatest storm will pass and the sun will rise again another day and hopefully we don't love the people involved, including ourselves, any less when the sun does rise again.

Albert Einstein says you cannot solve a problem from the same level of thinking that created it. And so it is. Anger cannot create peace. Itching the scab that started the whole conflagration won't end it. A middle way exists for this tempting emotion. There is always a way out. The powerful choice to stay gives you the opportunity to create the space of transformation whether it be for yourself or the person/people you are with.

We all need to look within and see our own dumpster fires and understand why they start, what fuels them, what dims them and what puts them out. Understanding sometimes our views need to change and we need to humble ourselves, take ownership and responsibility and apologize from the depths of our souls. Other times we need to stand firm, be compassionate, and love someone who is burning in front of you. We need to make conscious choices to ask questions which lead us to a deeper understanding of the situation, of ourselves, and of others. We need to get curious as to why the hot buttons within us were activated. We need to stay the course and DIG DEEPER.  

A lot of us have great expectations of others yet we don't communicate them so the people before us fail and we get angry because they should have known......but how? We need to be bold in our asks as well as in our apologies. We need to be authentically raw in where we are at, what we struggle with no matter how small or large we perceive it to be. And finally, we ned to be brave and ask for what we need.

In this Christmas season and moving forward, can we remember to be compassionate and full of grace as we hold space for ourselves and others to navigate the messy path we are all on. Each of us comes with a history...just as shiny as it is dark and twisty. Can we remember we are all ONE?  

I once heard the true meaning of Christmas aside from the celebration of the birth of Christ,  is to give up one's self...to think of others....we need o think about and act on how to bring the greatest happiness to others.  It is interesting to think sometimes in order to bring the greatest happiness to others, we need to look within and STAY.....stay in the fire to understand...and become refined.

Peace within.

Trish