Releasing into the Possibility

Well, it’s that time of year….a time to say goodbye to the current year and hello to the new one…..a time for reflection and new intentions. As I look back over the last year…it has been a helluva year. It has been a year that has called forth things rooted deeply in my past, stoked embers that were sleeping giants, peeled back layers of protection, parts that cut deep, stepping into necessary endings, inviting new realms, tangling and untangling the webs we weave, saying goodbye to my father,  and walking through the aftermath of it all. There is something to be said about taking the time to walk throughout the rooms of your heart. This past year has been exquisite in that regard.

It is always interesting when your past calls to you and reminds you of who you are and what you were made to be. It peels back the layers of other people’s idea of what you should be, what you should do, and what is to be expected. Often times these views do not resonate within us and we know we are to walk a different path…to break free of the mold we are in….to get off auto pilot and be brilliant. It is that deep down inner knowing that transcends all understanding yet calls to us like the siren’s song and stirs our soul so much we can’t ignore it any longer. We have to act as it is our dharma’s voice. There is no other choice. It often doesn’t make sense to those outside of ourselves and it goes against the norm. It’s a space where our soul’s truth demands to be given voice…it must come out.

It is a scary place to give that voice volume….to own it…..to step up and into it unapologetically, trusting God’s plan is bigger and better than your plan. It’s incredible when you have other humans alongside you who help you to clear away the cobwebs and the fog and support your stepping up and in. They encourage. They build you up and hold you accountable to your brilliance. They see beyond the dark valley you may need to travel in order to reach it. They are patient and loving as you make your way through your own, self-imposed forest and will wait to celebrate the mountain top when you eventually reach it. They understand this is your path and it is in your timing. They offer the clarifying voice when you get lost or become stagnant. They are the reassurance you are acting rightly and are listening….responding….and becoming no matter how hard it is.  Do you have those humans? Are you that human for someone else? I am so fortunate to have three of these humans and I thank them. I only hope my presence is as profound for them as theirs is to me. I could not have gotten through this year and what lies ahead without them.

Saying goodbye to my father in the way of Parkinson’s and Lewy Body Dementia where I saw my father fade away and someone new emerge. I had moments of tenderness that otherwise would never have happened. I had the chance to say what I needed and to tell him how I saw and valued him as a father. I got to care for him and be present as he left this earth to go home. At his celebration of life I got to witness all my lives coming together: my present in Wisconsin life, my growing up at the lake life, and my high school life from Illinois….all my dear friends from different facets of my lifetime meeting for the first time and being in the same place…feeling and being supported by their love. It was truly amazing. I am forever grateful. During this last year I reconnected with someone whom my soul has been forever tethered to and forever will be….no matter what. As such, I was reminded of what could be….what lies within….and what it is like to be fully awake and present to what stirs deep within me. I was able to give it all voice for the very first time which was scary as hell. Finding connection in a way I never thought possible…so at peace…so natural…like it always had been, but was discovered for the first time. A true giving and receiving. I also found the loving support of my cousin and even though the miles lie between us we are there for one another…through it all….through the crazy.

It has been a year of new opportunities, new adventures, and cleansing experiences. It has also been a time of challenge an darkness which still lingers and will take time to get through. It is a time of foraging new, deep and authentic friendships while letting go of relationships that no longer serve me. It has been a time of deep reflection and letting go of the ‘shoulds’ and stepping into the ‘musts’ even though they are not the norm of our culture. It is being sidelined by a car accident and humbled by its affect and effect on my body, mind, emotion, and subtle energy. It is a space of being my own advocate and standing firm on boundaries laid. It is seeing who is there in the thick of darkness to help guide and also seeing who is not there and being okay with that….releasing them and myself from the expectation….being disappointed and left wanting after the years of verbalized promises with no action to back it up…it’s a shedding of what could have been….letting go of the responsibility to carry the load alone…letting things fall away that are meant to and keeping those that are not….it’s a releasing into what possibly could be.

It is scary. It is exciting. It is dark and it is light.  It is an end…a definite end.  It’s also just the beginning…...

'For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.' – TS Eliot

Hang on tight. Here we go. Onward and upward.

Shanti.