Yoga of Relationships

A long while back I was asked to speak at a church about the yoga of relationships. It was interesting back then and it sure is interesting now as God has me on a deep inward journey of my heart.  I am being asked to let go of all my preconceived notions of about what love is.  God wants me to know, understand, feel and act from the place of His love. 

As I was doing my research for this speaking engagement, I remembered I once read somewhere in my yoga studies about a yoga student wrote a letter in 1924 to Sri Aurobindo asking certain questions regarding marriage.  The answer depends on many factors, as Sri Aurobindo indicates in the following text. 


Bonds of union are generally of three kinds. The first is the vital and the physical bond. This is very common and ninety nine out of every hundred marriages result in this type of union. Placed there by God for fulfilling our most primary and primitive purpose, that of reproduction, and it is strong in order to compel us to do it in spite of ourselves. For ordinary humans it is the only principle and in fact the sole impulse, however we may try to cover it with our emotional and aesthetic ideas and ideals.

The second type of union is the psychic bond. Those who are extraordinary in type, of rare refinement and culture and have a call for a greater ideal in life than the average human, as for instance, for art, music, poetry, patriotism, they should seek their life companion not from sexual desires but from a higher outlook so that their union may result in this type of pure and psychic bond. This psychic union is very rare in the world and is so difficult to find — especially as your seeking for a partner is always coloured by your clamouring of desires and lower impulses. On the other hand, when found, your life is extremely happy and both of you grow in power and purity and may even develop the highest type of bond — the spiritual out of this psychic one. 


The spiritual bond is the third and the highest and is for those who feel the true call for spiritual life and has to find their complementary soul who will be at once a partner and guide in in their sadhana (spiritual practice).  Everything can be sadhana. The way we eat, the way we sit, the way we stand, the way we breathe, the way we conduct our body, mind and our energies and emotions--this is sadhana. Sadhana does not mean any specific kind of activity, sadhana means we are using everything as a tool fo our wellbeing. This spiritual bond is still more difficult to find and only one per cent of the marriages in the world, if at all, result in such a union. When found, a spiritual companion doubles your life and power and increases your speed of progress tenfold.

So it is interesting, this life of ours and finding our partners. Our current expectations about love are based on our culture's concept of romance, which originated in England and other parts of Europe during the 12th and 13th centuries with the emergence of the courtly love associated with knights and their ladies. It was not that romantic love was suddenly invented or discovered then; rather, it evolved into an idealized form that redefined how we perceive love and how we act it out.

According to Jungian analyst Robert Johnson, author of We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, romantic love humanized the love of the Holy Spirit, which previously had been expressed only with religious symbols, by projecting onto a woman the image of spiritual perfection. Said another way, romantic love became the idealization of the feelings that a man was capable of having about a woman, feelings that were superior to carnal lust or economic practicality. Over time, the belief came into being that these pure feelings of love were transfiguring to both sexes and that love was a means of spiritual growth. This new notion of romance combined selfless, spiritual love (known as agape in Greek) with earthly, lustful love (eros) and a third kind of love, friendship (filia).


The idea that the feelings of caring between two people have spiritual meaning was revolutionary. Originally, there was no sexual acting out. The woman who stood for spiritual perfection was often married to someone else; thus, romantic love was an internalized experience of ecstasy of the spirit, not of sexual pleasure. However, as this idea of romantic love spread, it increasingly became a factor in choosing a mate. Historically, marriages were arranged by parents to serve economic and social ends. But by the 20th century, most people believed that this feeling of romantic love, not arranged marriage, was the basis for making a lifelong commitment.


As the original ideas of courtly love became widespread, they became more and more diluted with ordinary wants, although traces are still there as we search for a "soul mate," fall in love at first sight, and read through the poems of Pablo Neruda. Love is often regarded as the peak individual experience, but without the sense that it is grounded in Spirit (despite our culture's tradition of church weddings). Absent a strong connection to the idea of love being its own reward, it is hard for a relationship to seem like it's "enough." The expectations are simply too large.


For many people, a relationship is considered successful only if all of their sexual and emotional needs are fulfilled, and their economic and social-status aspirations are met. Obviously, things often don't work out in this manner, and there is a feeling of disappointment in the relationship. Many couples address this problem by having children and connecting through them to selfless love. In fact, parenting is the most idealized spiritual act in our culture. But in many instances, the feeling of spiritual connection through the child does not spread to the relationship or to the inner life. When the children are no longer the primary focus, what remains is an arid distance between two people.Hollywood's happily-ever-after romantic comedies carry the implicit message that if your relationship isn't ideal in all ways, then it is second-rate. Nothing could be more wrong, and many romantic movies make no reference to the connection between human love and spiritual love. Pretty Woman, one of the most popular relationship movies of the past 25 years, is both a Cinderella story, in that the woman escapes the misery of her external life and is blissfully worshiped, and a Beauty and the Beast story, in which the man is redeemed from his frozen feelings by a woman who is without guile though still very sexy.

Pretty Woman was popular with both men and women from all backgrounds; however, neither of the main characters in the film does any of the hard work that would generate the strength or generosity to actually be a liberating partner for the other. In fact, their behavior as prostitute and capitalist predator reinforce just the opposite traits. Unlike the fairy tales they reflect—in which the characters are redeemed partly by their honest suffering and open hearts—everything happens spontaneously to this man and woman merely by "magic." Pretty Woman's appeal reflects our culture's great hunger for redeeming love in a relationship, but its superficiality actually reinforces the grasping for an end- all, be-all relationship while ignoring the necessity of taking those tough steps that make it possible. Likewise, When Harry Met Sally, which illustrates the addition of best friend to the love equation, and Sleepless in Seattle, in which neither the male nor female lead has found a place of center within him- or herself, convey the message that deep connection can be made from the surface of life. 


Even if we do not choose to make relationship our spiritual practice, the insights of mindfulness can help us clarify all the expectations and interpretations that determine how much we suffer with romantic love. As we learn the dharma, it becomes obvious that much of the misery we experience in relationships is not caused by the situation itself, or "what is," but by our mind's reaction to it. We quickly discover that we are tormented by what the Buddha described as "wanting mind." Wanting mind leaves us dissatisfied with our relationship and our life because it defines life by what it does not have; therefore, there is never an end to the wanting. Or else we experience aversion to certain characteristics of our significant other, our self, or our life together. We then compare these irritations or frustrations with an imagined perfect alternative and we suffer. These judgments about our life being insufficient build steadily until they form the reality of our perception. We then become restless and worried, or lifeless and numb, in the relationship. We can do the same on our yoga mats….in our careers…in every aspect of our lives. The point to take to heart is that our feelings become so distorted that it is difficult to know what we truly feel, let alone make a wise decision.


As we bring mindfulness to our relationship, we begin to see that the mind endlessly grasps after things, clings to expectations, and resents our partner if he or she doesn't share the same values or does not meet our expectations. Love and affection are easily forgotten amidst such hindrances. The mind can so cling to images of how things are supposed to be that "what is" is never explored as a chance for deepening love.


When we are more mindful in a relationship, we become aware of how difficult it is to stay vulnerable when there is so much anxiety. Additionally, we discover that without a conscious commitment to staying emotionally present in the relationship no matter what arises, there's a tendency to abandon love and trust when either of us makes a mistake, diminishing the chance that we will ever grow closer together. Relationships inevitably involve feeling vulnerable, fearful, uncertain, and disappointed—how else could it be? Yet the untrained mind is not equipped to maintain equanimity, let alone compassion and loving-kindness, in the face of these difficulties. There is also the tendency to want, even expect, our love relationship to heal our childhood wounds, to be a source of unconditional love and endless praise to help us overcome self-loathing, or to rescue us from our boredom and unhappiness or from our lack of purpose. Being more grounded in our spiritual practice provides the strength and awareness to cope with all of these problems. Worked with mindfulness, relationships become a vessel to help us travel deeper into our self and, in time, to become more self-contained and less fearful or needy.


It is imperative, however, that we be able to make the distinction between a relationship that is healthy and one that is unhealthy at its core. Basically, in an unhealthy relationship, our sense of an open, vulnerable self is ravaged and our connection to God is suppressed, as is our spontaneity. We have no sense of possibility for inner development and feel shut off from the joy of life. These unhealthy conditions may arise because of abusive psychological, emotional, or physical factors or because of strong incompatibility that offers no possibility of negotiation. The relationship deadens Spirit; we feel lifeless inside. Our partner might be the one at fault, or us, or both, either because of personal wounds or because the two of us are simply mismatched. 


We have options….all of which require us to be open, vulnerable, authentic, and see each other at the soul level. If we want to try making relationship our yoga, there are three models of healthy manifestations of love that you might consider exploring. Mindfulness can help you with each. The first is what I call "two healthy egos at the center," which is based on a balanced, honest exchange between two people.


Option 1: Trust Each Other

This is the modern ideal of what relationships and intimacy are supposed to be. It is a union of equals, a partnership. Each partner desires to act in a way that is helpful, empowering, and loving to the other. And likewise, each partner expects to receive an equal amount of attention and help in return. This fair exchange includes mutual decision making, sharing of the work, and equal respect for the values and needs of each other.

In a healthy version of this partnership exchange, each person genuinely wants to be fair in giving to the other. This means that even if one partner has some advantage, such that he does not have to give as much as he receives, there is still no exploitation. Each partner gives a fair exchange, ignoring any power advantage. Why? Because each person believes that giving love to the other is a reward in itself. Therefore, the relationship has warmth and spontaneity at its core.


We can see why this kind of relationship requires two healthy egos. If either one of us always feels needy or inadequate, the capacity for generosity of spirit is lacking. Not that we are always going to feel and act loving toward each other, or that we are always supposed to be in agreement about what is fair or whether we or our partner is doing his or her share. What matters is our intention to base the relationship on a fair exchange, and we trust each other that this is so.


We can use mindfulness to stay present in a partnership relationship and to acknowledge "what is" rather than what our ego wants to be true. Our practice can help us avoid defensiveness and getting caught in fear, and help us give up being controlled by our needs. When the partnership model fails, it is because one or both partners aren't in touch with their own emotions or because of unrealistic expectations. The relationship deteriorates into dysfunctional cynicism, and bargaining takes over as both partners try to protect themselves.


From the perspective of using romantic love as a path to spiritual development, the partnership relationship model is ultimately limited, because our happiness and sense of well-being are based on having our ego needs met. We are not establishing an independent, inner relationship to the love energy that is associated with God. The dharma teaches that everything changes, including relationships—we get sick, or the other person is injured, or our needs change. Something will happen that will cause our ego to take a loss, and we will not have prepared our self by establishing a more lasting basis for happiness.


Option 2: Trust In Love

The second option for a healthy relationship includes some or all of the healthy exchange of the partnership, but is based more on the idea of love being connected to God. I call this option "love and ego at the center." In the partnership model, our ego sense of self is at the center of the relationship and the relationship is about having our sense of self become ever more healthy. In this second option, our ego is still at the center, but the center has expanded to include a direct experience of love that is independent of ego needs. Therefore, love shares the center with us, and both our self and our partner can become the beneficiaries of that love.


We are no longer keeping score, because we are not thinking in terms of an exchange, but rather our primary relationship is with love itself. Our partner represents our commitment to connection and nonseparation, just as was true with courtly love. He or she is the recipient and the inspiration for our deeper relationship to love, but we are not requiring him or her to buy, barter, or otherwise earn our love in any way.


This model will not work in an unhealthy relationship; it has to be enacted with someone who can at least meet the partnership model of love. When love and ego are at the center, we are not abandoning or martyring our self. Instead, we are giving up certain expectations, which means that our relationship to the energy of love is not dependent on our partner. 

Our capacity to love grows based on our ever-deepening maturity. The delight in giving happiness to another is at the core. We see our partner through the lens of love, not because he or she is perfect, but because love is not about judging, keeping score, or seeking advantage. It is simply expressing itself. 


In this relationship model, all three aspects of love—agape, eros, and filia—are present and engaging us; however, it is the emphasis on selfless love that makes it such a rich option. We can also be the one who loves love in other aspects of our life. For instance, if we have others reporting to us at work, we can extend our relationship from simply being the one in charge, expecting others to perform, to one who mentors and helps them succeed. In a true mentoring role, we go beyond mere exchange. We may well help others grow to the point that they leave us for a better job. What we receive is the satisfaction of watching them grow and the pleasure of knowing that we are supporting transformation in another person. We can do the same in friendships and in our extended family.


The shadow side of this option is that it can deteriorate into a codependent relationship or martyrdom, neither of which is love—neither is compassionate or skillful. This option can also be misused to rationalize or avoid something that needs to be negotiated, or to manipulate the other person, or to deny our own feelings. Mindfulness helps prevent these shadow sides from occurring.


In this type of relationship, your partner might be less than you desire and there may be many challenges, but these disappointments are not devastating to us, because our happiness is based on the experience of nonselfish love. It is similar to a parent's love for a child. If that love is healthy, the parent does not measure love with the child nor expect an equal exchange; it is the feeling of pleasure in giving that is important. This expanded notion of love is possible only if we believe there is an energetic space in the psyche that is love, with which we can enter into a relationship.


Option 3: Trust in the Dharma


The third option for making relationship our yoga I call "love alone at the center." This represents the practice of fully surrendering all or part of our ego wants in your relationship. We give up any expectation that our needs will be met. If they're met, that's great; if they're not, our practice is to pay no mind and not allow our giving of love to be affected. This is the ultimate practice in nonattachment and in making our relationship our dharma. Not that we submit to abusive or destructive behavior, but rather we forsake normal expectations. Sounds daunting, doesn't it? It shows how dominant the partnership model is.

The very idea of approaching a relationship in this manner seems strange or even dysfunctional. So why would we consider such an option? The people that I know who have chosen this path have done so for one of two reasons: Either their relationship was bad but they didn't think leaving was the right thing to do (and they had a spiritual practice as well as a network of support that could sustain them in such an undertaking), or they were in a healthy relationship but were so far along in their practice that it seemed like the natural next step toward their liberation. A "love alone at the center" relationship in which both people have the healthy ability to love is inspiring to witness. And in the few instances I have known in which someone was practicing this option in a difficult situation, it was quite beautiful and even more inspiring. It was as if the human spirit was conquering the unsatisfactory aspects of life with love. I want to stress that this option is not about sacrificing our self or allowing wrong action. It simply means responding to daily frustrations and disappointments with love, over and over again. This is hard work, and to do it you have to genuinely let go of attachment.  May God give us strength!


A less challenging practice is to let go of our expectations in a single area of the relationship. I know many people who have encountered one area of continual dissatisfaction in a relationship, vowed to love their way through it, and succeeded in doing so. In those situations, the other parts of the relationship were sufficiently strong to justify such a choice. By letting go in just one aspect of need in their relationship, those people experienced genuine growth that empowered the rest of their lives.


If we are considering this third option, we would never announce it to your partner. It is something we do internally. Our relationship to this kind of love is fragile and needs to be guarded from either of us using it in a manipulative manner in our moments of tension. Obviously, we do need to talk with someone we trust and respect to do a reality check with our self. It is also OK to try this option and not be able to do it. It does not mean that we are a failure; it simply means that it was not an appropriate expression for us at that time.

By bringing mindfulness into relationship, we gain the power to consciously participate in both how our relationship develops and how we develop as a loving person. Relationship will not lose its messiness or its disappointments, but by making it a practice, even the difficulties become meaningful. Our commitment to love becomes the ground from which we meet whatever life brings.


Opening to the possibility of making love our dharma practice means exploring the difference between love and desire. Bringing mindfulness to our relationship to love allows us to more fully participate in its power. Life becomes multidimensional, and we start to discover new capacities within ourselves. We learn to work with the inevitable difficulties and disappointments that arise in all types of relationships. Slowly those emotions, which we previously knew only as reasons to suffer, also become opportunities for exploring the mystery of being a flawed human being loving other flawed human beings.

Yep. Flawed humans loving other flawed humans. Let’s get to it! 

Onward and upward we go...