Imperfectly Perfect

Now that we’re in December and on the brink of a new year — a month of endings and new beginnings in several respects — I’m spending a lot of time reflecting. It’s a year I’ve known a distinct degree of heartbreak and devastation, and paramount in that journey has been a unique inward journey. A space of getting to know a truer sense of who I and what God has called me to be. Standing in that truth and moving forward in it.  Understanding the obstacles in my way to know which are ones are designed to see how much I want it and which ones I put there myself.  Embracing the self-made obstacles to better understand the veils and false filters I have and allow myself to discard them. Being vulnerable and authentic and letting those close to me know these things….to willingly share the dark so that it may be brought into the light and rectified…..healed.

When any of us choose to live from a heart-centered space of authenticity, we have to understand the risks are great for both enrichment as well as heartbreak. We will never know the depth of connection we can have unless we are raw, vulnerable, and honest in both the shiny and shadow sides of us. In the heartbreak is where we find the largest potential for growth. We are cut to our core and served the truth of who we are in the moment; our reactive patterns, our fears, our judgements, our anger, our false expectations, and the love (or lack of it) that lies deeply imbedded beneath it all. These lessons hurt, especially when we are already hurting in so many ways, but they are crucial and valuable. It is a way for us to learn to embrace the gifts of our own imperfection. We are imperfectly perfect.

I recently had an encounter with a friend of mine. It was fantastic and devastating at the same time. It engulfed both ends of the spectrum and took me deep into my soul. I had to ask a lot of hard questions of myself and to them. I had to re-evaluate the lens through which I saw them and the one I saw myself through. We tend to see what we want to see rather than what IS. Meditation helped me to be still so I could hear God’s quiet voice within whisper guidance. Stepping back and not having contact helped me gain clarity even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. Our friendship ran deep and souls see each other and always have.  When we did ere-engage, I had a different perspective and could ask deeper questions. I owned my heart. I had shared my heart. I was and still am broken. There is no way to go back to the way it was. Things are experienced and they change us....profoundly. Not that this experience was good or bad it just was. There are a lot of mixed emotions and a rich tapestry of converging histories involved. Our space has moved forward and we are different as a result. Our feelings for one another are not, however the dynamic of us is. We have a deeper knowing of each other which is the rose and its thorns.

When we dare to live authentically and ask others around us to do the same, we begin to create a culture designed to evolve, transform, and take us to a deeper level of connection. We learn to let go of what other people think and cultivate more self-compassion. We let go of perfectionism (gasp…I know, right?!). We shed the numbness and reside in our resilient and brilliant spirit.  We become brave to shed the veils fear surrounding life’s dark moments as well as the within the shadows of our very own soul. We discover how to live in continuously full of gratitude and joy. It takes daily practice just like our yoga.  We help each other acknowledge, listen, and follow our intuition. We inspire and encourage each other to trust our faith. 

From the wisdom our mat gave us, we let go of comparisons and cultivate more of creativity.  We understand that wearing badges of exhaustion does not mean we are productive and have self-worth. In fact, these badges indicate nothing more than yup, we are EXHAUSTED!  We hold each other accountable for stepping into more play and taking MORE REST or learning to REST for the very first time. We begin to claim the calm and stillness of our mat and meditation mind into every moment we exist. We are present. We listen. We stand in the “I am called to…” rather than “I am supposed to…” We bravely let others know ‘I am NOT OKAY and I am shattered into a million pieces’.  We have a choice in that moment as the receiver of this message....we can come alongside and hold space or walk away.  If we step into the heart of another....don't fix it, because there is nothing we can fix. We just need to hold sacred space for our person to FEEL. No matter the circumstance, we love anyway.....just as God calls us to.

Onward and upward.

Om Shanti.

(If your into reading looking for a great read, try: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown)

Inward Journey to Peace & War

Here we are in the season of fall and many of us feel an inner stirring….a need to change….a need to shift.  Our bodies crave comfort foods rather than the tropical citrus delights of summer. We have an inner yearning to ground down, snuggle into that brilliant sweater or hoodie and feel the crisp air in our lungs. I love the change as it makes me delve inward and check in for the harvest—the harvest of the seeds planted before and learning what took root and what did not.  I liken the inward journey to peace and war. It is the brilliant excavation of our resounding stillness that only love can provide along with all the shadows, trauma, and turmoil of our life’s journey.  We have all suffered and we have all failed.  We all have experienced loss and betrayal.  We have experienced anger, hurt, but have also soared with love and excitement. 


I used to funnel my anger and discontent into physical activity and had little inclination for inner work. I aspired to realness and thirsted on leadership type training, but never wanted to spend time trudging through the muck and mire of my being.  God had a different plan in store for me—one that I did not expect, but now years later, those that knew me long ago say, “Yeah I can totally see this as this is you“  Well what a surprise.  I always thought I would never be married and be highly successful at my career; powerful, financially better than most, the best in my field. We make plans and God laughs.

My brother was killed sometime ago and this October he would have been 45.  Through his death, my life took unexpected twists and turns.  I realized how truly empty my goals were.  Grand goals? Yes.  Achievable goals? Yes.  Fulfilling goals? Nope…..not even a bit.  What I once thought would be the epitome of my existence now was like an anchor pulling me deep into darkness. Through my very best friend, Tammy, I found light and life in my most darkest moments on this earth.  Even though she has recently expressed to me how she felt she failed me at that time, she could never know how her love for me changed me.  She always asked me asked me those inward questions.  She knew every inch of my being and the eternal bond of my brother’s and my relationship.  She lost him as well.  The inward journey is one that never ends and can provide endless wonder.  I came to faith in Christ and discovered how He was always pursuing me.  I discovered yoga that not only made my relationship with God profound and alive, but it also gave me the tool set and strength to look deep within.  It is there that I discovered that I held onto the woulds of losing my brother, Ryan, like a badge of honor.  I was afraid if I let them be healed that it meant my brother did not exist or that the bond we had was not true.  I thought if my heart was healed then I would forget him.  Seriously?  How crazy is that??!! 

Our bodies store everything that happens to us—the good, the bad, the sad and the brilliant. Our experiences become our biology.  We all come to yoga for different reasons, but I think we all at some point discover this inward journey.   Our job is to become better in each and every moment so that we can be available to join God on His mission which is already taking place….right here….and right now….in your life whether you believe in Him or not.  I call my process the way of the Peaceful Warrior. It is on-going. It is an inward struggle between war and peace. It is yoga. It is life.

Peaceful Warrior: A seeming oxymoron that is a symbol of grit and glory. A concept that pushes those of us who embrace it into a need to shift from competitive to collaborative minds and hearts. There is a myriad of ways to do the dirty work of knowing yourself. There is no best principle, book, teacher, religion to follow just as there is no best exercise, diet, sport or way of life. There is only the best one for each of us at any given time of life. Think of this self-excavation concept as a highway whose trajectory will help us understand and navigate the complex world of our own personal growth.  In other words, each of us  is a car on a highway driving different vehicles and choosing different exits on the road of life. We each go at our own speed and get on and off the highway as we desire. The caveat is that without a destination in mind, there is no journey.  Through our yoga journey we discover our reactivity, our compensatory patterns in body, mind and life. We can quiet ourselves to hear what our inner wisdom has to say, what it has to release, and what it has to nurture. Breathing into our body’s tensions provides us a looking glass into the things long forgotten and those which are deeply stored. We connect back to who God intended us to be and become aware of our own inner spirit, our will and the desires of our heart. 

This type of heart centered spirit helps us turn what we know and what we believe into what we do. Our external changes affect the world and our internals changes affect ourselves and those around us. Both are necessary if we are to live a heart-centered life….whole-hearted living. By letting go of the dis-ease within, we create a more brilliant person who will positively affect our loved ones as well as our sphere of influence. By tuning into our inner sanctum, we can learn so much about life and how much more fantastic it can be.  We need to be the change.  We need to be brave to face our darkness and our demons so that our light can shine on in this world.

Life comes at us in waves of change. When we learn to surf these waves of change,  we realize that the quality of our moments become the quality of our lives.

“When movement is experienced as joy, it adorns our lives, makes our days go better, and gives us something to look forward to. When movement is joyful and meaningful, it may even inspire us to do things we never thought possible.” ~Sott Kretcman, Penn State University Professor of Exercise and Sports Science

Do some yoga.  Make some changes.  Be brilliant.  Go. Do. Now.

Upward.

Sea of convergence

From the moment of our birth, our bodies are affected by the lives we live. There is a convergence of information and energy that comes together inside of us. Circumstances, decisions, accidents, and intentions all influence who we are. They form us as certainly as we are were physically formed inner mother's womb. It is impossible to separate us from our experiences.   

These converging histories comprise a wide array of informational energies that are absorbed by our system. Every minute in our life, from watching a movie to riding a bicycle or practicing yoga, has an influence on our being. All of the events have a certain energetic, physical and emotional quality that impact and. become part of our physical body. Our bodies store all that happen to us--the positive, the negative, the brilliant, the devastating and everything in between.

Our converging histories make us exactly who we are in THIS moment. Some of those histories happened to us; we had no conscious control over them. Some of them we chose; we consciously added them to our life experiences. Every moment we live, we choose experiences, activities and relationships that become part of our own sea of convergence....of converging histories. They become part of us. Then our histories converge with those converging in another as we step into relationship with life partners, friends, children, acquaintances. 

We are all on our own path untangling our own mess individually, yet collectively.  We each need to remember this. We need to really make an effort to be present in our life and with each other. Be brave to ask for help. Be authentic and share our vulnerabilities. Be present to ask those deeper questions when we see those we are in relationship with not at their best....or downright hurting...struggling.

We we all need to remember is our willingness to listen to others is a direct correlation to our ability to listen to God. This practice...this amazing and sacred yoga practice....is teaching us to listen--listen for God and to each other in seas of convergence.

Onward and upward.

Trish

Ground to Soar

There is always something spectacular about fall….the change of the seasons, the cooler air, the changing colors, and putting on sweatshirts and sweaters for the first time. We begin to crave warmer and cozier foods. Being outdoors is so refreshing and so grounding. Outside of yoga, when someone is described as being ‘grounded’ it usually means they are sensible and well-balanced. They are in touch with reality and don’t get too carried away. They have good morals and live by them.

 

As a youngster I always wanted to be free, to run, to explore and to be on the go ALL THE TIME. Just keep moving. As time has gone on, I have found my desire to be continually moving, on the go, and rushing can easily become. My norm. It is and can become a mindset as much as a physical state. Left unchecked for most of my young adult life, I found myself more ‘in my head’, my whirling mind always jumping from the current thing to focusing on the nest thing, planning, driving, controlling, anticipating.  Today it is very easy for me to fall back into these pattern and move from being present to ‘task mode’. The danger here is me losing connection to the physical world.  It was through yoga, that I began to open myself up the idea of getting grounded and being present. I learned to connect to the earth, to the present moment, to my breath, and to the visceral experience of being in the world and my body.  Once aware of my own self and inner workings of my mind and reactive patters, I was able to expand this awareness to others. To see what they are seeing and to see their reactions and not worry about my own. To take the time to answer someone. To pause to think before I answer or offer an opinion. I began to learn the art of listening and understanding with every part of my being. 

 

Many of us exist in in our heads. We find ourselves quite literally lost in thought, and we neglect our sense of presence and our connection with the here and now. When we ground ourselves, either on the yoga mat or in our daily lives (hopefully both),  we connect with reality of the present moment.  We let go of the stories and narrative about what might be happening, what has happened, and what could happen. We drop into experiencing what IS. We feel stronger, more balanced and more connected with the earth, ourselves, and others. Through grounding, we feel secure and present, and we establish our right to be here. To be grounded cultivates physical and mental stability and balance. The energetic space of being grounded offers our physical, mental and emotional body a place of peace. A place of calm. A place of beauty and strength. We have the opportunity to become these peaceful warriors at any time.

 

Being grounded is about cultivating balance and presence, not about feeling heavy or stuck. To be grounded is to establish a firm foundation from which to grow. When we are grounded all the solutions that reside within are available to us and we can hear the guidance of God’s voice and our inner soul’s knowing. We can trust. We can  make clear and accurate decisions. We can see things clearly. Our relationships deepen. We let go of chaos. We reside in a realm of bravery where we yearn to be the LOVING truth-sayer in ALL your relationships. WE KNOW the risk is worth it and that WE are WORTH the risk. 

 

I used to be concerned that being grounded would mean I would lose my sense of spirit, lightness, and creativity—basically my ability to soar.  I came across a quote from J.R. Rim the other day, “Flying starts from the ground. The more grounded you are, the higher you fly.” 

YESSSSS! Exactly. Ground yourself in order to soar!  Ground yourself in order to surf your soul. Onward, folks. Be brilliant. 

Sacred Heart

I read a quote the other day that read, "If you love them, then love in the way that frees them. Build them up. Grow them and let them grow you.”  For whatever reason, this really spoke to me and got me thinking…..We all have histories which have defined our version of what love is. So what IS yours?  And what is the definition of those who you have converging histories with?

I thought I knew. I thought I knew how to love and what love feels like.  As I have expressed lately, God has me on a journey of the heart. I am relearning what love is and of course, what love isn’t.  It is not that I did not know how to love, but I sure have been engaged on a deeper level lately. My relationships have grown exponentially this year in the depth and richness of love. I have AMAZING friends who show me what love is not only by loving the mess of me and the things I am healing and changing, but also by letting me SEE them….see them to the depths of their souls. No hidden agendas. No fake facades. Just them. They have entrusted their soul’s care to me and it is such a sacred space. 

There is one thing to know someone and we all have those that are ‘close’ to us. But here is where I ask….how well do you actually ‘know’ them? Would they share the depths of their finances with you? Would they care if you asked? Would they share some inappropriate choices they make? Would they share the struggle they have with knowing they are not right in the eyes of God, yet make them anyway? Do they share their struggles with their spouse, their children, their parents, and inward struggles of their faith? And the deeper and more profound questions is do you do this for THEM?  Do you let them SEE YOU? Do you let them see the stormy and twisty stuff inside? Do you let them see the shiny and sparkly stuff too? Do you give voice to your struggles with faith, life, and everything in-between? Are you willing to be raw and authentic and share the things they ask—would they feel comfortable asking the uncomfortable? Do you?

It seems that so many of us live half way to love. We love only when it is safe. We hold ourselves back for the fear of being found out or the fear of being hurt. The list of why goes on and on. We all have experienced hurt and we all have experienced betrayal. Isn’t it time we shed this our self and take ownership of what we do, say, think, and feel? Can we be honest in it? Can we speak our truth IN AND WITH love rather than using our speech as a weapon disguised as speaking our truth? Speaking our truth comes from a place of LOVING not slingshots and arrows. All of us express ourselves differently. We all take things in differently. We all tell ourselves stories in an instant and these stories define how we perceive something to be. What if we just paused for second and realized that the person talking to us LOVES us and we are on the same team? What happens then? Would you react the same? How would that change your interaction with EVERYONE you meet? WE are all connected after all…sharing one breath, one prana, one Creator. 

I had a moment where I was working through some things….exploring the depths of my own heart and soul…when I literally felt my heart expand. Expand physically as well as energetically. I laughed as I looked over at the person I was with and we both at the same time said, "WOW! WHAT WAS THAT?!”  From that moment on, I saw things differently. Felt things differently. I was rooted into a deeper space of knowing, sensing, and trusting.  I recognized that I only allowed myself to feel anger and frustration. I am happy in the heart and mind most of the time, but I never truly allowed myself to feel love. I give my love freely….or at least I thought I did. I learned how I held myself back from the full embodiment of loving and being loved myself. It was bewildering, scary, freeing, and exhilarating to find these new spaces and places to exist from. The journey still holds all these things and I think it will continue to do so.

Our yoga practice lets us into the deepest caverns of our inner world. It gives us the tools to make self discoveries we can share and process alone or with others. It allows us take what we learned and put it into action. Yoga goes off the mat and into this world.  My mat has opened a whole new world to me and continues to do so each and every time I choose to be on it. It is sacred just as we are made with sacred purpose.

To those of you who are on this path with me, you know EXACTLY who you are, I can't thank you enough for holding my heart in your hands as I embrace the more feminine side of me—the more loving side, the more gentle side, the more compassionate side, and you have helped me to gently stay there….open myself up more so that I can live free. Thank you for holding me accountable and telling me when I am wrong. Thank you for showing me what you see and what you feel. Thank you for allowing me to be in your soul’s care as well as entrusting yours to me.  Thank you for letting me see a tangible version of God is love.  I am excited to watch this journey unfold…to have it twist, turn, prune me back and let me soar. 

Loves does, yogis…..LOVE DOES.

Yoga of Relationships

A long while back I was asked to speak at a church about the yoga of relationships. It was interesting back then and it sure is interesting now as God has me on a deep inward journey of my heart.  I am being asked to let go of all my preconceived notions of about what love is.  God wants me to know, understand, feel and act from the place of His love. 

As I was doing my research for this speaking engagement, I remembered I once read somewhere in my yoga studies about a yoga student wrote a letter in 1924 to Sri Aurobindo asking certain questions regarding marriage.  The answer depends on many factors, as Sri Aurobindo indicates in the following text. 


Bonds of union are generally of three kinds. The first is the vital and the physical bond. This is very common and ninety nine out of every hundred marriages result in this type of union. Placed there by God for fulfilling our most primary and primitive purpose, that of reproduction, and it is strong in order to compel us to do it in spite of ourselves. For ordinary humans it is the only principle and in fact the sole impulse, however we may try to cover it with our emotional and aesthetic ideas and ideals.

The second type of union is the psychic bond. Those who are extraordinary in type, of rare refinement and culture and have a call for a greater ideal in life than the average human, as for instance, for art, music, poetry, patriotism, they should seek their life companion not from sexual desires but from a higher outlook so that their union may result in this type of pure and psychic bond. This psychic union is very rare in the world and is so difficult to find — especially as your seeking for a partner is always coloured by your clamouring of desires and lower impulses. On the other hand, when found, your life is extremely happy and both of you grow in power and purity and may even develop the highest type of bond — the spiritual out of this psychic one. 


The spiritual bond is the third and the highest and is for those who feel the true call for spiritual life and has to find their complementary soul who will be at once a partner and guide in in their sadhana (spiritual practice).  Everything can be sadhana. The way we eat, the way we sit, the way we stand, the way we breathe, the way we conduct our body, mind and our energies and emotions--this is sadhana. Sadhana does not mean any specific kind of activity, sadhana means we are using everything as a tool fo our wellbeing. This spiritual bond is still more difficult to find and only one per cent of the marriages in the world, if at all, result in such a union. When found, a spiritual companion doubles your life and power and increases your speed of progress tenfold.

So it is interesting, this life of ours and finding our partners. Our current expectations about love are based on our culture's concept of romance, which originated in England and other parts of Europe during the 12th and 13th centuries with the emergence of the courtly love associated with knights and their ladies. It was not that romantic love was suddenly invented or discovered then; rather, it evolved into an idealized form that redefined how we perceive love and how we act it out.

According to Jungian analyst Robert Johnson, author of We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, romantic love humanized the love of the Holy Spirit, which previously had been expressed only with religious symbols, by projecting onto a woman the image of spiritual perfection. Said another way, romantic love became the idealization of the feelings that a man was capable of having about a woman, feelings that were superior to carnal lust or economic practicality. Over time, the belief came into being that these pure feelings of love were transfiguring to both sexes and that love was a means of spiritual growth. This new notion of romance combined selfless, spiritual love (known as agape in Greek) with earthly, lustful love (eros) and a third kind of love, friendship (filia).


The idea that the feelings of caring between two people have spiritual meaning was revolutionary. Originally, there was no sexual acting out. The woman who stood for spiritual perfection was often married to someone else; thus, romantic love was an internalized experience of ecstasy of the spirit, not of sexual pleasure. However, as this idea of romantic love spread, it increasingly became a factor in choosing a mate. Historically, marriages were arranged by parents to serve economic and social ends. But by the 20th century, most people believed that this feeling of romantic love, not arranged marriage, was the basis for making a lifelong commitment.


As the original ideas of courtly love became widespread, they became more and more diluted with ordinary wants, although traces are still there as we search for a "soul mate," fall in love at first sight, and read through the poems of Pablo Neruda. Love is often regarded as the peak individual experience, but without the sense that it is grounded in Spirit (despite our culture's tradition of church weddings). Absent a strong connection to the idea of love being its own reward, it is hard for a relationship to seem like it's "enough." The expectations are simply too large.


For many people, a relationship is considered successful only if all of their sexual and emotional needs are fulfilled, and their economic and social-status aspirations are met. Obviously, things often don't work out in this manner, and there is a feeling of disappointment in the relationship. Many couples address this problem by having children and connecting through them to selfless love. In fact, parenting is the most idealized spiritual act in our culture. But in many instances, the feeling of spiritual connection through the child does not spread to the relationship or to the inner life. When the children are no longer the primary focus, what remains is an arid distance between two people.Hollywood's happily-ever-after romantic comedies carry the implicit message that if your relationship isn't ideal in all ways, then it is second-rate. Nothing could be more wrong, and many romantic movies make no reference to the connection between human love and spiritual love. Pretty Woman, one of the most popular relationship movies of the past 25 years, is both a Cinderella story, in that the woman escapes the misery of her external life and is blissfully worshiped, and a Beauty and the Beast story, in which the man is redeemed from his frozen feelings by a woman who is without guile though still very sexy.

Pretty Woman was popular with both men and women from all backgrounds; however, neither of the main characters in the film does any of the hard work that would generate the strength or generosity to actually be a liberating partner for the other. In fact, their behavior as prostitute and capitalist predator reinforce just the opposite traits. Unlike the fairy tales they reflect—in which the characters are redeemed partly by their honest suffering and open hearts—everything happens spontaneously to this man and woman merely by "magic." Pretty Woman's appeal reflects our culture's great hunger for redeeming love in a relationship, but its superficiality actually reinforces the grasping for an end- all, be-all relationship while ignoring the necessity of taking those tough steps that make it possible. Likewise, When Harry Met Sally, which illustrates the addition of best friend to the love equation, and Sleepless in Seattle, in which neither the male nor female lead has found a place of center within him- or herself, convey the message that deep connection can be made from the surface of life. 


Even if we do not choose to make relationship our spiritual practice, the insights of mindfulness can help us clarify all the expectations and interpretations that determine how much we suffer with romantic love. As we learn the dharma, it becomes obvious that much of the misery we experience in relationships is not caused by the situation itself, or "what is," but by our mind's reaction to it. We quickly discover that we are tormented by what the Buddha described as "wanting mind." Wanting mind leaves us dissatisfied with our relationship and our life because it defines life by what it does not have; therefore, there is never an end to the wanting. Or else we experience aversion to certain characteristics of our significant other, our self, or our life together. We then compare these irritations or frustrations with an imagined perfect alternative and we suffer. These judgments about our life being insufficient build steadily until they form the reality of our perception. We then become restless and worried, or lifeless and numb, in the relationship. We can do the same on our yoga mats….in our careers…in every aspect of our lives. The point to take to heart is that our feelings become so distorted that it is difficult to know what we truly feel, let alone make a wise decision.


As we bring mindfulness to our relationship, we begin to see that the mind endlessly grasps after things, clings to expectations, and resents our partner if he or she doesn't share the same values or does not meet our expectations. Love and affection are easily forgotten amidst such hindrances. The mind can so cling to images of how things are supposed to be that "what is" is never explored as a chance for deepening love.


When we are more mindful in a relationship, we become aware of how difficult it is to stay vulnerable when there is so much anxiety. Additionally, we discover that without a conscious commitment to staying emotionally present in the relationship no matter what arises, there's a tendency to abandon love and trust when either of us makes a mistake, diminishing the chance that we will ever grow closer together. Relationships inevitably involve feeling vulnerable, fearful, uncertain, and disappointed—how else could it be? Yet the untrained mind is not equipped to maintain equanimity, let alone compassion and loving-kindness, in the face of these difficulties. There is also the tendency to want, even expect, our love relationship to heal our childhood wounds, to be a source of unconditional love and endless praise to help us overcome self-loathing, or to rescue us from our boredom and unhappiness or from our lack of purpose. Being more grounded in our spiritual practice provides the strength and awareness to cope with all of these problems. Worked with mindfulness, relationships become a vessel to help us travel deeper into our self and, in time, to become more self-contained and less fearful or needy.


It is imperative, however, that we be able to make the distinction between a relationship that is healthy and one that is unhealthy at its core. Basically, in an unhealthy relationship, our sense of an open, vulnerable self is ravaged and our connection to God is suppressed, as is our spontaneity. We have no sense of possibility for inner development and feel shut off from the joy of life. These unhealthy conditions may arise because of abusive psychological, emotional, or physical factors or because of strong incompatibility that offers no possibility of negotiation. The relationship deadens Spirit; we feel lifeless inside. Our partner might be the one at fault, or us, or both, either because of personal wounds or because the two of us are simply mismatched. 


We have options….all of which require us to be open, vulnerable, authentic, and see each other at the soul level. If we want to try making relationship our yoga, there are three models of healthy manifestations of love that you might consider exploring. Mindfulness can help you with each. The first is what I call "two healthy egos at the center," which is based on a balanced, honest exchange between two people.


Option 1: Trust Each Other

This is the modern ideal of what relationships and intimacy are supposed to be. It is a union of equals, a partnership. Each partner desires to act in a way that is helpful, empowering, and loving to the other. And likewise, each partner expects to receive an equal amount of attention and help in return. This fair exchange includes mutual decision making, sharing of the work, and equal respect for the values and needs of each other.

In a healthy version of this partnership exchange, each person genuinely wants to be fair in giving to the other. This means that even if one partner has some advantage, such that he does not have to give as much as he receives, there is still no exploitation. Each partner gives a fair exchange, ignoring any power advantage. Why? Because each person believes that giving love to the other is a reward in itself. Therefore, the relationship has warmth and spontaneity at its core.


We can see why this kind of relationship requires two healthy egos. If either one of us always feels needy or inadequate, the capacity for generosity of spirit is lacking. Not that we are always going to feel and act loving toward each other, or that we are always supposed to be in agreement about what is fair or whether we or our partner is doing his or her share. What matters is our intention to base the relationship on a fair exchange, and we trust each other that this is so.


We can use mindfulness to stay present in a partnership relationship and to acknowledge "what is" rather than what our ego wants to be true. Our practice can help us avoid defensiveness and getting caught in fear, and help us give up being controlled by our needs. When the partnership model fails, it is because one or both partners aren't in touch with their own emotions or because of unrealistic expectations. The relationship deteriorates into dysfunctional cynicism, and bargaining takes over as both partners try to protect themselves.


From the perspective of using romantic love as a path to spiritual development, the partnership relationship model is ultimately limited, because our happiness and sense of well-being are based on having our ego needs met. We are not establishing an independent, inner relationship to the love energy that is associated with God. The dharma teaches that everything changes, including relationships—we get sick, or the other person is injured, or our needs change. Something will happen that will cause our ego to take a loss, and we will not have prepared our self by establishing a more lasting basis for happiness.


Option 2: Trust In Love

The second option for a healthy relationship includes some or all of the healthy exchange of the partnership, but is based more on the idea of love being connected to God. I call this option "love and ego at the center." In the partnership model, our ego sense of self is at the center of the relationship and the relationship is about having our sense of self become ever more healthy. In this second option, our ego is still at the center, but the center has expanded to include a direct experience of love that is independent of ego needs. Therefore, love shares the center with us, and both our self and our partner can become the beneficiaries of that love.


We are no longer keeping score, because we are not thinking in terms of an exchange, but rather our primary relationship is with love itself. Our partner represents our commitment to connection and nonseparation, just as was true with courtly love. He or she is the recipient and the inspiration for our deeper relationship to love, but we are not requiring him or her to buy, barter, or otherwise earn our love in any way.


This model will not work in an unhealthy relationship; it has to be enacted with someone who can at least meet the partnership model of love. When love and ego are at the center, we are not abandoning or martyring our self. Instead, we are giving up certain expectations, which means that our relationship to the energy of love is not dependent on our partner. 

Our capacity to love grows based on our ever-deepening maturity. The delight in giving happiness to another is at the core. We see our partner through the lens of love, not because he or she is perfect, but because love is not about judging, keeping score, or seeking advantage. It is simply expressing itself. 


In this relationship model, all three aspects of love—agape, eros, and filia—are present and engaging us; however, it is the emphasis on selfless love that makes it such a rich option. We can also be the one who loves love in other aspects of our life. For instance, if we have others reporting to us at work, we can extend our relationship from simply being the one in charge, expecting others to perform, to one who mentors and helps them succeed. In a true mentoring role, we go beyond mere exchange. We may well help others grow to the point that they leave us for a better job. What we receive is the satisfaction of watching them grow and the pleasure of knowing that we are supporting transformation in another person. We can do the same in friendships and in our extended family.


The shadow side of this option is that it can deteriorate into a codependent relationship or martyrdom, neither of which is love—neither is compassionate or skillful. This option can also be misused to rationalize or avoid something that needs to be negotiated, or to manipulate the other person, or to deny our own feelings. Mindfulness helps prevent these shadow sides from occurring.


In this type of relationship, your partner might be less than you desire and there may be many challenges, but these disappointments are not devastating to us, because our happiness is based on the experience of nonselfish love. It is similar to a parent's love for a child. If that love is healthy, the parent does not measure love with the child nor expect an equal exchange; it is the feeling of pleasure in giving that is important. This expanded notion of love is possible only if we believe there is an energetic space in the psyche that is love, with which we can enter into a relationship.


Option 3: Trust in the Dharma


The third option for making relationship our yoga I call "love alone at the center." This represents the practice of fully surrendering all or part of our ego wants in your relationship. We give up any expectation that our needs will be met. If they're met, that's great; if they're not, our practice is to pay no mind and not allow our giving of love to be affected. This is the ultimate practice in nonattachment and in making our relationship our dharma. Not that we submit to abusive or destructive behavior, but rather we forsake normal expectations. Sounds daunting, doesn't it? It shows how dominant the partnership model is.

The very idea of approaching a relationship in this manner seems strange or even dysfunctional. So why would we consider such an option? The people that I know who have chosen this path have done so for one of two reasons: Either their relationship was bad but they didn't think leaving was the right thing to do (and they had a spiritual practice as well as a network of support that could sustain them in such an undertaking), or they were in a healthy relationship but were so far along in their practice that it seemed like the natural next step toward their liberation. A "love alone at the center" relationship in which both people have the healthy ability to love is inspiring to witness. And in the few instances I have known in which someone was practicing this option in a difficult situation, it was quite beautiful and even more inspiring. It was as if the human spirit was conquering the unsatisfactory aspects of life with love. I want to stress that this option is not about sacrificing our self or allowing wrong action. It simply means responding to daily frustrations and disappointments with love, over and over again. This is hard work, and to do it you have to genuinely let go of attachment.  May God give us strength!


A less challenging practice is to let go of our expectations in a single area of the relationship. I know many people who have encountered one area of continual dissatisfaction in a relationship, vowed to love their way through it, and succeeded in doing so. In those situations, the other parts of the relationship were sufficiently strong to justify such a choice. By letting go in just one aspect of need in their relationship, those people experienced genuine growth that empowered the rest of their lives.


If we are considering this third option, we would never announce it to your partner. It is something we do internally. Our relationship to this kind of love is fragile and needs to be guarded from either of us using it in a manipulative manner in our moments of tension. Obviously, we do need to talk with someone we trust and respect to do a reality check with our self. It is also OK to try this option and not be able to do it. It does not mean that we are a failure; it simply means that it was not an appropriate expression for us at that time.

By bringing mindfulness into relationship, we gain the power to consciously participate in both how our relationship develops and how we develop as a loving person. Relationship will not lose its messiness or its disappointments, but by making it a practice, even the difficulties become meaningful. Our commitment to love becomes the ground from which we meet whatever life brings.


Opening to the possibility of making love our dharma practice means exploring the difference between love and desire. Bringing mindfulness to our relationship to love allows us to more fully participate in its power. Life becomes multidimensional, and we start to discover new capacities within ourselves. We learn to work with the inevitable difficulties and disappointments that arise in all types of relationships. Slowly those emotions, which we previously knew only as reasons to suffer, also become opportunities for exploring the mystery of being a flawed human being loving other flawed human beings.

Yep. Flawed humans loving other flawed humans. Let’s get to it! 

Onward and upward we go... 

Rise Above & Beyond

 

As I shared last month, God has me on a path to delve in deeper into my heart and His. To lean into Him. To trust Him. To ignore my need for control and release the reigns to Him over my life. He is showing me how to live from a space of love, pure love, and let go of ways I have clung to—logic, reason, and strategic thinking.  I am being tutored on how to rely on gut instinct and to deeply trust my intuition. Over the last two years, this ride has been wild and full of unexpected surprises and realizations. Realizing things that no longer serve me and letting them go with acceptance…with honor…with grace. I am being taught to let go of agendas and results in order to trust the process and that the results will be there even though they may not be the results I think they should be. I have had a person come into my life and show me a new way to love and to connect. I have had a friend step deeper into fellowship with me and they have become the iron that sharpens my iron. I have a long-time friend surface and offer advice in the most random way in the most appropriate moment and in the exact words I needed to hear.  I have been challenged and convicted to look at where I am standing, what I am doing, what am I standing for, and how I move through this world.  I have had prayer answered in the most unbelievable, tangible way so there was no way I could chalk it up to coincidence.

Our thoughts and emotions are like a movie constantly playing on the inner screen of our mind. We need to discipline our minds instead of letting our minds to go rogue. If we leave our mind untrained and it will often veer toward negativity—fear, drama, anger, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, general sense of malaise, complaining, self-pity and self-loathing. It can also veer into the realms of desire, of playing the what-if game, seeing different realities as a greener pasture, and wanting things that are not meant to be ours or don’t belong to us. We make ourselves feel safe by fitting everything in a box. But really, this control is an illusion and adherence to dogmas that leave us stuck in a legalistic code that is dead. These are the resting points of an untrained mind and the root of suffering. On our mats is where we carefully train our mind and turn our attention to our inner world.

Just like in asana, where our eyes go, our mind follows. Where our attention goes, our mind goes and our thoughts frame our actions. Our actions frame the state of our heart. What overflows form our heart will overflow out our mouths. It is in this way, we create our own reality. We in essence, need to be willing to sacrifice these familiar ways of being and thinking. We need to be willing to surrender into something bigger and let the old ways go. It’s tempting to meet the shadow side of the mind with rules, regulations and moral codes. Yoga philosophy teaches us to throw our arms around that tiger and embrace the shadow side of us. In order to learn what is light, we must learn what is dark. Slowly, through introspection, we remove the veils which keep us in the dark so that our light shines brighter. We become more brilliant.

In our lives, every breath counts. Every single act in our life has richness and purpose. What we need to understand is the most meaningful moments of life are private moments of rapture, of ecstasy, of peace, and of connection.  Each of us is called to be the light in the darkness. The light of the world can come into our heart and ignite the spark of Spirit. We just need to ask. Then the lamp of our soul can shine with heaven’s light. We can be filled with transcendent knowledge and ignite others to do the same.

Are we willing to delve deeper? Can we challenge ourselves to instead, live in Spirit?  Can we let the light fill us up so powerfully there is simply no choice but to embrace the clarity of truth? Can we shine so bright so we blind people who don’t want to recognize our greatness? Can we grow so big so no one’s smallness will ever bring us down?  Can we all agree to RISE ABOVE and BEYOND?

If I could sum it all up into one truth: God is love and His love conquers all. Live IN it. BE it. DO it.

Onward and upward as always….

Breaking Out of the Cocoon

There is a beautiful story about a caterpillar that lived much of its life believing that it had come into being only to eat and sleep and do what the rest of the caterpillars did. However it was unhappy. Somehow it sensed that its life had another dimension not yet experienced.

One day, driven by a strange longing, it decided to become still and silent. It hung from the branch of a tree, weaving a cocoon around itself. Inside the cocoon, although constrained and uncomfortable, it waited, sensing and aware. Its patience bore fruit, for when the cocoon burst open, it was no longer the lowly worm that went in, but a beautiful, resplendent, winged butterfly which dazzled the sky. It soared and flew, no longer limited to its worm-like existence, but free and unbounded. The caterpillar had been transformed into a thing of air and lightness, magic and beauty.

Once the transformation had taken place, it was impossible for the butterfly to return to being a worm. In the cocoon, the caterpillar had become one with its inner being and in this union it reached its ultimate nature. What happened in the cocoon can be described as yoga. Yoga is the path toward being boundless. Yoga transforms and liberates us, human beings, so that we can reach this unbounded state. We, unlike animals, are not merely existing. We are becoming. To evolve as a human being is to become aware of our limitations; to strive, with intense passion, toward the transcendence for which we all have the potential. The Earth, along with everything else, has been changing since its birth and it will continue to change along with everything else. It is the flexible, strong mind of a dedicated yogi/yogini that will have the humility to let go of the past when appropriate, move forward when necessary and accept the bell of change when it tolls.

Yoga means to unite. Its translation is "to come together and make whole." It asserts that everything and everyone is connected and that there is no separation between heaven and earth, matter and consciousness, mind and body, male and female or you and I. Yoga recognizes that we are all one, all divine. If it is understood that there is no separation between the mind and body, then everything you think, feel or experience will have an effect on your cellular tissue. Our bodies remember everything, and our health is often a reflection of our attitudes and perspectives. Negative or shadow emotions like rage, fear, unresolved grief and jealousy manifest as tension when repressed. Tension, stress and anxiety affect the immune, hormonal and neurological systems and can leave us vulnerable to disease, illness and even depression. When we don't feel well, body or mind, we can more easily withdraw, get reactive and judgmental; all qualities that separate us from ourselves and from each other. It is through yoga, spiritual practice and emotional processing skills that we are provided tools to help us understand and embrace our circumstances, emotions and life in a more holistic way.

Understanding our life's journey, its spiritual significance, and shifting our perceptions can move the physical and emotional tension and allow healing, insight and transcendence to occur. Every time we practice yoga, moving our body and synchronizing these movements with our breath, tension releases. Releasing the tension begins the process that allows us to feel and connect to our vulnerability. Vulnerability is what opens us to surrender, and it is only through this level of availability that we can truly know one other and God.

Twenty years of practicing yoga has taught me God is truth and love and He exists in every moment, both dark and light. His essence is in each experience and in all beings equally. Yoga has taught me that we are in a conscious body to learn what love is, not romantic love, although that may be part of our learning, but God-love, which is inclusive and infinite. In order to truly understand what this "love" is, part of the challenge of being human is we will also have to experience and explore its opposite; what love is not. This process could take lifetimes. To truly understand the light, we must also understand the power and mystery of the shadow. Yoga has taught me to embrace the shadow parts of myself—the ugly, shameful, scary and often repressed aspects—because without the wisdom the shadow provides, I cannot truly understand the power of someone else’s light, the depths of their beauty, nor their capacity for empathy. I cannot know, love or honor all parts of another unless I know, love and honor all parts of me.

We are all in our own processes of transformation in order to learn about this God-love which requires release and surrender. Some of us are more deeply imbedded in this process than others. I, for one, am in deep. I am in a space where I find myself having to go back into my past and re-release things I thought had already been long gone. To redefine my process from a wiser state, yet honor the person I was at that time. Offering forgiveness to myself and to others for decisions made and the reasoning that was oh-so-good at the time….. their lingering effects were unknown….as was the way in which they would become entangled in the fabric of my soul from that point forward….and then to now have to remove the knots all these years later so that space can be created to grieve….to allow….to hurt…to feel….and then to heal once and for all.  I find myself doing things I would never in a million years think I would do. I am on my own journey and it is a beautiful, wonderful, mess that beckons to me, the promise of becoming the lotus flower. I am letting go of logic and relying more on my sacred intuition and I am embracing it for the first time….standing in it…owning it….and becoming more empowered. I am letting go of our cultural ‘shoulds’ and existing from a space where there is an audience of ONE. I am redefining what love is—my self-love and my capability TO love. I am redefining the love I am willing to give to others and how I receive love from others. I continue to learn to live from my heart space and see each other soul to soul.

Yoga teaches us that everything that happens to us in this life happens perfectly and synergistically in order for our soul to transform and understand this level of God-love. Everyone has karma to burn, lessons to learn, and each one of us will walk some challenging and funky and dark paths at times, but these moments will also be the divine catalysts providing great insight, healing and wisdom.

Many I know are traveling this exact path alongside me and with me. We are finding ourselves in this exact spot…a spot of great awakening and the need to be still and silent. It is a spot of allowing ourselves to take ownership of what is stored, choices we have made, acknowledging our unworkable patterns, waking up things deeply buried, and releasing the experiences stored within our biology. This sacred spot demands us to delve deeper into our psyche, our intuition, and exist from our soul. We are taken back to a raw state where we are vulnerable, broken, twisted, and beautiful. Beautiful in the mess we created. Beautiful in the way we move through our own shit in order to be better, so we can become great, and to release the things that hold us back from our true brilliance once and for all.

It is about each of us finding sacred souls who are willing to come alongside us and say, “We can do this together. I GET you. I GOT you.” They offer us love and support without judgment. They challenge us to dig deeper and redefine what once was into something greater so we can evolve. They hold our hand while we wait, impatiently patient, for God to guide us and our hearts to become more like His. They help us remain on the path; our True North. They hold us accountable. They ASK rather than fix. They understand the deconstruction and reconstruction we are stepping into. They are excited to see the end result in us and themselves for they are digging in too.

To those who are these sacred souls to me….THANK YOU.  Thank you for loving me in my mess and I am honored and blessed to have you in my life! I love you wildly individually and collectively. You ARE my TRIBE.

For those on a similar path, find your sacred soul and don’t be surprised if is not who you think it should be. Be open. Be authentic. Say you are WHERE you are. Own it. Dig into it. And oh my gosh…don’t be afraid to break out of the cocoon. 

The light in me honors and acknowledges the light in you. We are one. Namaste.

Onward and upward as always….

The Lotus Is Becoming

Sometimes in our life we find ourselves in weird heart spaces. Spaces where we question, spaces where we soar and spaces where we sink. Our heart space is an interesting environment to wander through from time to time. Recently, there have been so many things that have happened...things I never imagined possible and some of it nearly broke me, but through Grace alone I kept on going. A few weeks ago I attended my coach's memorial service. This man was so influential in my life. I hear him EVERY DAY in my head....coaching me through various things. I am who I am because of him. His impact is so profound for myself and for countless others. He was so integrated into our family for so many years….it feels odd to know I no longer can pop in and get my pep talk from him.

Walking back into the familiarity of my hometown, reconnecting with dear friends of my past, old teammates, and school was wonderful yet stirred some deeply rooted issues. Unexpectedly running into certain people brought me back to a time and space I had long ago tucked away. They had found their place at that particular time and I tucked them NEATLY away and in a way that made sense! Once I returned home to Wisconsin, I was swirling with the emotions I felt long ago…they were never properly dealt with…I never gave them air to breathe and run their course…..they were never properly processed.  It is funny how history has a way of coming back sometimes and typically at time one would deem inconvenient.  I was also trying to navigate through a current heart situation with my family and, of course, a personal heart space as well. The triple threat.

 It is miraculous how our hearts hold these spaces. Each one unique with their own set of emotions that can take your breath away and level you at any moment while others can make us irritated or make our souls soar.   The rooms of my heart have been left unattended for a while so when I sat still and meditated on each situation individually, it was profound to find resolution….answers….closure for all of them. I gave each one processing time….not that their process is fully finished, but the navigation has begun.

As westerners, the search for meaning and purpose can sometimes be a lifelong endeavour. We tirelessly seek and experiment, attend expensive retreats and visit healers, read book after book and dive into workshops that promise to transform our pain into passion and our confusion into divinely guided clarity. Will our thirst for inner peace ever be realized?

Inner transformation requires mindfulness and mindfulness is a lifelong practice that is meant to be lived each day—yoga, for me, has been the most effective medium to connect with God, and my soul's wisdom in order to spark transformation and cultivate inner peace. There are benefits of slowing down and taking time to connect with God and within.

I had to sit with decisions I had made and the reasons I made them in the past. I would not make the same decision today, so it was interesting to explore the heart space I had all those years ago and deal with some underlying issues I had not realized. I had to handle my then 21 year-old heart with grace and compassion and come to grips with the reasoning I had. I also was able to verbalize my process with a dear friend who allowed me sacred space to unload and asked me clarifying questions without judgment. It was wonderful to be able to handle my own heart with grace and have help along the way in doing so. 

My current spaces demand daily contemplation as well. Grace totally required. One needs to be held so tenderly to allow grieving to occur all while holding space of strength, understanding and compassion for the others involved. A lot of this heart space is tangled with dark spaces from the past. Again, very unique to have to revisit and once again remind myself of who I was then.  Carrying the hearts of others as well as your own is always a daunting task. Honoring all can be difficult and requires patience, honesty, LOVE and GRACE…..so much grace!  Navigating your own requires honesty, integrity, and some hard conversations. Sharing things that are painful to you or another, but honoring your truth in them. Authenticity is a must. Meditation and my yoga practice allow me to quiet the logic and listen to the soul’s space. It gives me clarity, strength, and a mindset to enter into those situations and not be reactive…..it gives me a loving presence to witness the hearts of others and myself as we navigate this crazy life together.

As with anything, consistency is key. Developing a regular, intentional yoga and meditation practice has the power to remind us of our infinite connection to all that lies within, so that we may better commune with everything of us. This inner connection allows us to handle, connect and deal with everything outside of us.  This is why yoga is a profound and transformational practice to assists us in remembering who we are, why we are here, and what our purpose/dharma is. No mud. No lotus.

We all come here with gifts to share, but it is easy to get caught up in the vigorous flow, and seemingly endless demands of our life, and completely forego this innate connection to Spirit, our souls and the souls of others. Developing this regular practice, however, can be difficult and extremely daunting to begin. BUT if we do….good things come. We can cultivate inner peace and feel God’s peace which transcends our understanding. Our hearts can be open to feel…to hurt….to soar…all the highs and all the lows with the deep rhythm of knowing all things will be okay.  Each unique experience our heart holds will lead us somewhere…if we let it…to a space where we begin to grow and blossom.  The lotus is becoming in each of us….

Onward and Upward.

Trish