Very recently, a family close to me lost their son suddenly and I was asked to walk alongside them as they began to travel through this. Since I had walked a similar road many, many years ago with the death of my brother, it was as if I was witnessing a video of my family from years past. Grieving has many faces and many places. Each person has their own process, perspective, and unique relationship with the departed loved one. What speaks to one, may enrage another. Every feeling is valid and each is unique. I am deeply honored to have been asked and trusted to step into something so sacred.
There is something very hallowed about stepping into another's pain, discomfort and grief. In this instance, we become holders of a very sacred container where we must be okay with living in the discomfort....the discomfort of not having answers, not being able to fix it, not knowing what to say, and the discomfort process of others. It is in these solemn situations where we need to step up and into what God is calling us to do. Be present and allow our hurting person to lead the way through their own chaos....their own process.....their own experience. It is here, that leaning into the wisdom and discernment of our soul is paramount so we know when to speak, when to listen, when to push, and when to exit. It is the essence of living our yoga.....living our faith......being strong and being relaxed at the same time.
Every experience we have is stored in our bodies so essentially our experience becomes our biology. Through the course of being with this family during the first few days, I was afforded the unique opportunity to discover just how my body has stored my experience from 25 years ago. I stepped into a space where I was a witness both to this beloved family and also to the inner depths of stored memories. I fully expected these stored memories to surface as visual flashbacks and searing heart pain, but was surprised to discover physical holding so deep....so temporal. It was maddening. Unnerving. Relentless.
Places within my body I had forgotten about or rather, places that had not let me know they existed for over a decade where now screaming their existence. I was enthralled to realize I was not done processing my own experience within my biology. I would have assumed the physical storage was long ago finished while the emotional aspects would linger for a lifetime. Instead, I found my body still holds deep sorrow and anxiety of structure falling away; structure of my family being shattered and structure of how the world is supposed to work being abruptly altered. When sitting with this screaming area and giving it breath, I became entranced with the process of my body slowly letting go. Reluctant release of the issues in my tissues. Underneath the throbbing, screaming madness of the physical gripping, lay a burning anger. This anger was deeper than the piercing sorrow, deeper than the grip of anxiety, and was anchored in an event much more recent. Our bodies are so complex. Delving into the layers of experience.....the layers of emotions.....to find they are layered not by time, but perhaps by the ability of being able to deal with them respectfully, mindfully, and in healthy ways......only God knows for sure.
Having my body unlock is protective pattern and be offered an invitation to let go, to surrender, to release it from its identity, was truly amazing. The release was deep within my infrastructure--deep muscles, organs, and energetic releases....layers and layers of holding was unwinding...and the healing force was invited in. I sat with a conundrum of emotions for many days and was in the fortunate space of being out of town, alone, and at a yoga training. Due to this circumstance, my body was allowed time and space to tenderly unfold, uncoil, untangle and come back home to a space it had not occupied for many, many years. The puzzlement of emotions weaned and I arrived at a very solid, strong and relaxed space.....a peaceful kind of warrior space.
So it is with this experience I invite all of you to travel inward.....to be brave....to be open to whatever God is inviting you into....whether that be into someone else's experience or your very own. It is a new year and a time to call forth a new you. Let's do this together! Commit to our practice, make it regular, make it consistent, and let us remember the WHY that calls us to our mat. Let's commit to being bold, being brave and going within so we can untangle to become better for ourselves and for others. Practice onward. Practice upward.
