Without delving into all the theological nuances of the nature of man, it is safe to say that our heart is the controlling center of our life. It is the core of our being, our soul, and our character. It is the headwaters of our motives and behaviors. It is the source of our ideas, beliefs, feelings, habits, tendencies, actions, outlook and choices. And it is astonishingly complex, subtle, and even devious. We kid ourselves if we think we have it mastered.
Leadership From the Inside Out author, Kevin Cashman writes (p. 51) 'I think the reason most people think they know themselves well is that their experience of their inner world is restricted to very narrow boundaries.' In his book, Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer says, 'We like to talk about the outer world as if it were infinitely complex and demanding, but it is a cakewalk compared to the labyrinth of our inner lives.'
For me, yoga is the doorway into that inner mess of things. It seems to clear the cobwebs and fog away so that I can discover what lurks within the rooms of my heart. If I leave them unattended, thistles and thorns grow and thus the way in which I view the world, my relationships, and my life are all tainted…….unknowingly bent into judgments and perceptions that are false.
On a recent trip, the flight attendant reminded us to be careful opening the overhead bins "because the contents may have shifted during the flight." I had been meditating, and as I opened my eyes, I realized that my mind and heart were like one of those overhead bins. Their contents had shifted. I had gone into meditation with a problem on my mind. I'd come out knowing what to do about it. More than that, I realized that what I had thought of as a problem wasn't really a problem at all. Just by turning my attention inward, letting the breath slow down, letting my mind drift toward God's word, a subtle transformation had taken place. I was more centered, more awake, more present to myself and to hearing God's voice. Meditation had shifted my state from problem consciousness to a recognition that no problem is irresolvable. The same thing happens when I deal with matters of my heart.
I was taught long ago to view every person in my life as a teacher; likable and those that resonate more toward thorn in my side. The thorns in my side kind of people are the best teachers. These teachers are reflections of what needs to be healed within me. I need to check the reaction in my heart and in my emotions and ask myself--what in me is the same as what I am seeing in them? It is funny how we can often fix others isn't it? Soooo easy….if they would just do X or do they hear themselves? They need to decide to decide! It is all so easy from the outside. It is hard to make those inward journeys, especially when it is a matter that is deeply painful.
As many of you know, my brother was killed a long time ago. We were best friends--a soul living in two bodies. When he died, half of me died with him. Sometimes I wish I had time to say goodbye, but then when I hear others' stories of this nature, I am glad he was taken quickly. I wrote a few months ago about a realization I had about loving others and the switch that happened somewhere along the lines of my brother's death--to where I hold back. I pondered why do I hold back and that my friends, has taken me on an inward quest that has been most interesting. I have found that deep within the rooms of my heart lay stuff…..lots and lots of stuff that really truly hinder me. False views of love on the giving and the receiving end. Protection from loss. Using love as a commodity. The list drones on and on…..it makes my eyes roll as I reiterate it to myself. How could I have fallen into these patterns? Slow Fade? Abrupt turn? Regardless, I was completely unaware!
We are called to live a transformed life. We are called to live our faith out loud. Yogic philosophy tells us the only way to have true inner bliss, peace, and joy in all things is to have a relationship with the god of your faith. Yogic philosophy does not say who god is, but rather is open to any organized religion's deity. It is merely a tool set to draw us closer to the object of our faith. I am glad my God is the God of the Bible and is with me always--living and breathing into my life each and every day. My mat become my sanctuary, a place to reveal my truest self in that moment to my own self so that I may become aware of areas within me that do not measure up to God's divine plumb line for my life.
As my inward journey of my heart has progressed, I have discovered that pain and wild love can co-exist in a beautiful way. My son was born on my brother's 10th death anniversary. It has been 12 years of a roller coaster and experiencing horrific memories that I thought were long ago healed. It has proven interesting to ride the emotional thrill ride of being so joyful for my son--so full of love you think you may burst, but then in the next instant smelling the way the hospital smells, and seeing his lifeless body in the Emergency Room, making the phone call to my parents, the doctors……I have discovered my anger with God which is odd considering I did not believe in God back then and my brother's death is what sent me searching for God--searching for the healing and the peace and the calm. It made me realize that my love for my bother and my son can co-exist on this date.
As the anniversary/birthday passed this January, I came to a sense of peace. A place where I can hold the absolute preciousness of life within my heart and allow it to burst within me. I can allow the pure joy that my children bring to me and the ache of loving someone so much because they are gone. I had a few misty eyed moments as I always do, but this year rather than the take-your-breath-away-pain that accompanies those misty tears, I had a tender moment of pure gratefulness that I was allowed 17 years with Ryan. The dark ache of losing someone so dear does change with time and I am thankful that my darkest hour led me toward God and His revolution for my life and not away from Him.
It is the inner life, this core of our being--our heart--that God looks at. We see it sometimes. Our friends see it sometimes, but God always sees it. His desire for us is that with His help, we would tend it very carefully. If you are a Bible verse reader, here are some verses to check out:
- Proverbs 4:23
- Proverbs 27:19
- Jeremiah 17: 9
- Matthew 15:19
- Matthew 22:37
- 1 Peter 3:4
Sometimes all we need to do is be silent on the inside and take a look....slow down and take a look at what is going on inside.....be present.....hear God's guiding voice.....and tend to our hearts.
Tend to your heart…..you may be surprised by what lingers there and its resilience!
Onward,
Trish
