#10. When my mom died I held her and touched her till she went cold. I could not stop sniffing her. I never want to forget her smell and her smooth skin."
I quickly read through the rest of the list, and then went back to #10. I re-read #10. And re-read it again. I was speechless, stunned, a puddle of tears, and grateful for being allowed to be included in such a deep, intimate, personal detail.
Twenty four hours later, seventy-two hours later, and even today I am still pondering the depths of #10. Instant tears I have flowing freely down my cheeks every time I read #10. I too, have lost someone close to me, my brother, Ryan. The loss is still great, even after twenty-one years. Why am I so moved? Why the depths of emotion?
Lavish love. I read #10 and it is what a life lived being lavishly loved, looks like. A daughter, showing one last act of deep love to her mom. After reading #10, I found myself in a state of deep inner contemplation. Do I lavishly love? I did until my brother was killed. After that, something has held me back. I can't quite put a finger on it yet, but the gist is that I am afraid to let myself lavishly love--completely, with abandonment, free-falling full of faith kind of love because I am afraid to lose that someone and hurt like that again. This concept actually leveled me--took me down to my knees, air out of lungs, pain in the gut leveled me.
The image of my husband, my amazing children, my parents, and my closest of friends all were brought to my mind. God asked me 'What about them? Aren't they deserving of your lavish love the same way you are of mine?' Well, I was speechless. Yes, of course they are and WHY exactly do I fear losing them? I mean, I cherish every second these people are in my life BECAUSE I lost Ryan. Why do I hold back if I KNOW this? The pain of NOT LOVING them as I fully want to would be just as drastic as the pain of losing them if I loved them lavishly……so really what is the difference, Trish? Can I trust God to hold my heart? Can I be bold enough to love His way? Ahhhhh the epiphany and the arrow to the bulls eyes of my heart…..quite convicting!
I began praying to God that He give me a heart that loved freely, wholly, and completely. I prayed to Him that I’d love the way Jesus loves—no strings attached. I knew I needed Him for that kind of love, since, being human, I’m selfish, self-centered, and demand my own way. Self-protecting.
I began to meditate on God's love for me and all the pointed questions that struck me down. It is so interesting when we intentionally go down our own rabbit hole, isn't it? I mean, really slow down and take notice of why we do the things we do. Learning the path of the slow fade that brought us to the compensatory pattern we are in. My subsequent yoga practices allowed me to get into the inner sanctum of my being and my meditations allowed me to plug so deep into God that His presence was THICK. His presence was safe and He held my heart as tenderly and very slowly began to mend it back together. I thought it was mended, but He showed me where it wasn't, where I still held on, and where I still needed to let go. You see, part of me thinks that if the hurt is all gone then Ryan's memory will no longer be--that he did not exist. How crazy is that? My memories are fond and bring about a deep inner smile and a love so wild and crazy that it expands my entire self, inside and out. With that though comes the dark--the missing of that love….the longing for it to still be, wondering what he would be now--what kind of man, husband, father? My reality says though, he will always be 17 and will always remain the person who knew me the best and I loved the most. Limiting me to the past.
The definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13 is beautiful, magnificent, and awe-inspiring.
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
I want to love like that....now and always until the end of time.
As my relationship with God grows, as I am humbled by His grace and His love for me, and as I remain focused on Him, it’s easier to love God’s way— agape love. Baby steps leading to a better place. He is also teaching me to RECEIVE love; His love and the love of others. He is showing me how to let the armor surrounding my heart melt away so I can accept love fully and completely. Funny how I thought I received it just fine before.....
Lavish love.
#10 is lavish love, and a sobering reminder of just how fleeting all of our lives on Earth really are.
While I'm here, whether it is for a day, a decade, or several decades, I choose to love lavishly. God has my heart no matter what.
Lavishly love yours. Go. Do. Now.
